Quick funny story - we all know that homeschoolers don't know how to stand in a line (tongue in cheek joke there). Didn't think about the whole fire drill experience until J found himself caught in the middle of one at the middle school on Tuesday. Fun times. Hehehe
Then Wednesday I found myself texting a friend who I knew was in a dark place emotionally and saying, "If it helps to know you're not alone, it's noon and I'm still hiding in my bed. Depressed much?" I've traveled the road of depression and anxiety for quite some time now, and I know my signs and usually I know my triggers. Hiding from my family in any form is a big red flag.
Thankfully my friend and I were both in places emotionally and physically where we could chat for a few minutes and during that time I realized something. These past 6 months are the first time since I can remember where I haven't had to adhere to someone else's schedule. I've always either been a student or an employee or the parent of a small child who selfishly and regularly demanded my attention. Now I find myself in a place where no one sets my schedule but me. My children are old enough to fend for themselves, so to speak. They don't require my constant supervision. And I'm realizing this is a very difficult place for me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt what God is calling me to do. He is calling me to home educate my children to the best of my ability and to create a loving and safe home environment for my family. The thing is . . . I am finding that an incredibly difficult thing to do. Not because I don't want to. But because I know what needs to happen, and I find it difficult to make myself do it. And then add in a chronic pain issue and the excuses just write themselves.
Later that day as I sat down to hastily work through 4 of the 5 lessons due for Bible study that night, I came across a passage that spoke so strongly to me. In it Priscilla Shirer says:
One reason I believe the Lord led me to Gideon's story and has now brought us into this study together is to remind us of the significance of His unique calling. As mothers to our children, as employees in the workplace, as part of His body in our local church, or as influencers in our communities, God has deliberately positioned each of us to be His representative, beckoning our ailing culture to Him -- one person at a time. Yes, our calling will look different from Moses' and Gideon's. We will probably not be leading pilgrims out of bondage or troops into battle. But no matter what God's plan looks like in our lives, His hand is on us to wage war against the enemy within our spheres of influence. (Gideon: Your weakness. God's strength)A couple things sucker punched me - His unique calling, one person at a time, wage war against the enemy...
I know what He is calling me to do. And I know what three people He is calling me to influence. But this is a battle against the enemy, and the enemy is kicking my butt.
And somehow I spilled this out to my precious Bible study group that night. And no one laughed (out loud), and some commented and helped me to process what I was trying to say. That I crave structure and need structure but don't know how to create it for myself. Then during the teaching video, Priscilla said something to the effect of "Christianity is not meant to be an inward facing 'religion'. It's to always be outward facing. As long as we are looking inward, we will never be victorious. We must always be looking out and up at what Jesus can do through us."
And Thursday, I woke up. No alarm, no situation. I just woke up. And I even tried to go back to sleep for a little while, and I couldn't. God graciously gave me the energy to get up and get moving. To grasp some structure and some sense of accomplishment. And I was so grateful. I know that it was only through God in my that these things were able to happen. My children were so happy. My girls even decorated the gingerbread houses that have been hanging out for two months waiting patiently to be designed.
And now it's Friday. That day of wrapping things up. Of review and calmness. Today we decided to visit our favorite home away from home - Chick-fil-a - for a special Friday treat after we got the essentials done. And the most precious things happened. A gentlemen sitting at the table next to us stopped on his way out and said, "I wasn't listening to you, but I heard you and your family and some of your conversation and bantering. My children are all grown and mostly gone. I have two granddaughters who live in Virginia. It was so nice to 'hear' a family out together like you." Ahhh, what a God thing. That my little family, just being together chattering and joking and just being could bless someone else through a simple "homeschool lunch".
Later today, B, the youngest, is testing for her low red belt in Tae Kwon Do. This will make her even with her older siblings, and they (the olders) are so excited about it. They have been drilling her like mad to make sure she's ready. This belt is a big deal because the next color up is black. Granted, they have several steps of red before they get there, but still. It's hard to believe that they are all this close to being black belts. My peace-loving son and girly princess daugthers.
I realize that a lot of this is much heavier that what I usually write here. Typically I save this for my other blog He's holding my right hand , but I felt so strongly that I needed to share this here, with you. I don't know why. Maybe someone else needs to know that the struggle they're facing within themselves isn't because they aren't good enough. That's a lie. Those of us who are believers in the one true God have have the power of a mighty God inside of us. We are members of a royal priesthood, a chosen people, God's special possession (1 Peter 2:9). We are daughters of a mighty warrior king. And if there's anything I've learned from my own Tae Kwon Do princess daughters, it's that a real princess can take out her enemy without a hair going out of place.